My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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