I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
