just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
