if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
