I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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