he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
