my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
