I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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