God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize