How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
