New invention idea: vibrating tampons
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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