she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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