I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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