if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
