he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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