I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Boobs are out for the taking
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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