My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize