my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
