All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
