so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
