Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
