I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
