omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Alive.
So much puke
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize