No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
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