the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I need a beard to bite.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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