Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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