Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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