No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
from now on my penis is your penis
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
