She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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