Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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