Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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