On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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