My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
