Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
