I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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