I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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