I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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