OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
