i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
