remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
