is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
