So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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