fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
