don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
