If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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