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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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