Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Dear god my vagina.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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