Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
