I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
