At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
