??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
