6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
