Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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