Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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