Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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