Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
