def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
