I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize