Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
