he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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