i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
