you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
