i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
do herpes really smell.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
