im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
