I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
This toilet bowl is my home.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
