I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
