I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
