just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I am one with the molecules
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
