I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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