i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i believe in u and ur pee
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