I want to have your abortion
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
