She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
