Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
