Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
